How Many Times Have I Tried To Tell You?

In the years that we’ve been trying to tutor you Frappies in the way of sports and life in general, how many times have I told you that activities that don’t involve hand/eye coordination are not sports?

I get tired of being right but must press on, perservere, and tell you once again.

I told you so.

Here is yet another debacle involving that vampire “sport” sucking the lifeblood out of American sports, otherwise known as soccer (if one more person corrects me by explaining that it is called football, I’m gonna go Ryan Leaf).

Once again, the predecessor to Hacky Sack has embarassed itself beyond repair. This time a ref pulled out a red card, the players began to act up, and the ref decided to go to his car so he could produce a gun and go John Wayne by firing shots in the air.

Actually, when it comes to soccer, you can take my previous sentence and use it as a typical soccer hooligan incident formula. Something like this:

“This time a _____ pulled out a _____, the _____ began to act up and the _____ decided to go to his _____ so he could produce a _____ and go John Wayne.”

I’m going to warn you again. Don’t sign up little Jenny or Billy for youth soccer for any reason. But especially for any of the following reasons:

1) There’s more action so they (Jenny or Billy) don’t get bored.

Why? The next place you’ll find yourself is waiting in line at WalGreens for their ritalin prescription. Give them a ball and tell them to throw it at something in the back yard. Tell them to roll around in the dirt for good measure.

2) Their (your) friends are doing it.

Why? If their/your friends jumped off the roof, would you do it?

3) You already have the van.

Why? C’mon man, that one needs no explanation.

4) Soccer is getting more popular.

Why? Because this really means you see yourself as the Beckhams of the block and your wife wants to run around with those huge shades on with a pout and designer juice boxes on the field. Get over yourself and think of the kids.

Yes, I do realize that runon sentences are becoming an issue for me.

No, I do not know what a red card is.

I am rather proud of both of those last two statements.

Story Source


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