All That Is Man

This past week Olympic Greco-Roman wrestling gold medalist Rulon Gardner had a life altering experience, or at least it would have been if he hadn’t been Rulon Gardner. You see, last week Gardner was a passenger with two other men in a small plane that crashed into Lake Powell. Their survivor story involves swimming for an hour in 44 degree water to the shore where they stayed the night without shelter or fire until being rescued by a fishing boat the following morning.

If this was a typical man, this might seem like an insurmountable challenge that would most likely involve spending the night at the bottom of the lake. But when you are Rulon Gardner, this is no big deal. If anything, this pales in comparison to the time he drove his snowmobile into a hidden lake in the Wyoming backcountry and spent the night in minus 25 degree weather before being found. This experience might come closer to the time he impaled himself with a hunting arrow and walked to the hospital, or perhaps the time he T-boned a car while riding a motorcycle only to land on his feet. Maybe this is why Gardner was reportedly doing the backstroke to shore last Saturday.

In view of this, I say its time that men everywhere said, “Move over Chuck Norris, there’s a new definition of man in town.” In fact, I’ve been so inspired by Gardner’s story this week that I’ve taken on a similar theme in my life. It goes like this: whenever I’m met with some sort of conflict I ask myself, “What would Rulon Gardner do?” If that means waiving off an ambulance so I can walk myself to the hospital, then so be it. So far, it’s been the best decision of my life.

For instance, on Monday my professor told me that my latest paper was late and he would be forced to dock 20% from my grade. Having recently read about Rulon Gardner and his true manliness, I decided to wrestle my professor to the ground and place him in a sleeper hold until he cried “Uncle Larry” and told me he would give me an A on my next two papers. Problem solved. Thanks, Rulon.

On Wednesday I was helping a friend move into his new house which involved a 7 foot armoire that wouldn’t quite fit into the upstairs bedroom. So instead of giving it up and putting it back downstairs, I went Rulon on that door frame with a hammer until that armoire was in there. Although his wife is a little upset, I’m sure she’ll calm day in a few days when she finally realizes I had no other choice. Nonetheless, problem solved. Thanks, Rulon.

And then there was yesterday when I found myself stuck in a man’s worst nightmare: wedding planning. That’s right, the MoneyMouth is getting hitched. Anyway, it was when my pretty little lady was asking me about invitation colors and designs that I began to doubt my manliness, and thus Rulon Gardner came to the rescue. The result: we’re printing those invitations on pieces of bark that I stripped from the tree in the backyard. Once again, problem solved. Thanks, Rulon.

After one week of testing, I know this motto is worth keeping and I suggest you start using it yourself. Honestly, quit wasting your time pondering the Man Laws because any square table that lacks Rulon Gardner just isn’t up to par. Trust me, it will be the best decision you make in your life.

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