As It Was Written

Well Frappers, I am happy to announce that the Chosen One has finally arrived. If you have watched any of the Cleveland vs. Washington playoff series, you’ve seen too many of the prophecies fulfilled to ignore. Whoever said that the first round of the NBA playoffs is useless? In case you missed them, let me fill you in on the top 3 signs that LeBron James has come to save us from the era ruled by the evil one known as “Kobe.”

He will walk without traveling. It’s quite phenomenal, really. I’ve never seen anyone take 4 steps without committing a violation as LeBron did in Game 3. When asked about it after the game, LeBron said that he didn’t travel, and in fact, he doesn’t even know how to travel!!! Most of us, when learning how to play the game of basketball, had to learn how to overcome the natural instinct of walking while carrying the basketball. But not the Chosen One, he was born to dribble.

He will be given the baseline whenever he wants. This one was fulfilled during Game 5. Seriously, for two defenders to both allow him that lane could have only happened if he has some sort of mystical control over the cosmos. And he makes it look so easy! I feel like there is a little LeBron inside of me who could have made that layup.

No razor will touch his neck. Any man old enough to have to shave knows what a pain the neck region can be. Somehow, the Chosen One actually looks smooth while only shaving his upper face. The rest of us have dreamed of making this extreme version of the chinstrap socially acceptable, and now we have the Chosen One who gives us hope, that maybe, just maybe, we’ll only have to shave our cheeks.

Those are the most obvious three, but I’m sure LeBron will continue to perform miraculous feats. I think it’s also written somewhere that the Chosen One will be mocked and scorned by the Detroit Pistons, so prepare yourself for that possibility.


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