The Buehrle Conspiracy

After being bombed by the Texas Rangers earlier this week, all star pitcher Mark Buehrle did not respond with the normal “I didn’t have my stuff,” after the game.  Instead, he unveiled a conspiracy theory in which someone on the Rangers’ staff sits in centerfield, steals pitch signs from the catcher, and relays this information using some sort of “high-tech light system.”  Buehrle claims that everyone in the league is talking about this, and that he is simply the first to publicize it.  Of course this practice would be illegal under baseball rules; while stealing signs on the field is considered standard practice, having a spy outside the lines is a major no-no.  
     This revelation by the White Sox ace has caught my imagination on fire; suddenly I’m seeing cheating conspiracies in every ballpark.  For instance, the Royals’ Kaufman Stadium disguised their outfield fountains as pleasant and serene additions to the ballpark, when actually they are sending Morse code to batters!  The Fenway out-of-town scoreboard is really a complex web of pitch giveaways.  And have you noticed the mysterious absence of the Rally Monkey from Angel Stadium?  It turns out he was a spy!
     Seriously, couldn’t you picture Mark Buehrle replacing Russell Crowe in the baseball version of “A Beautiful Mind;” cracking imaginary codes in every ballpark, working for a make believe baseball secret service commissioned by Bud Selig himself?
     All joking aside, I find absolutely no reason to believe Buehrle at this point.  Is it coincidence that this allegedly much-talked about conspiracy was outed by an opposing pitcher, right after he got hammered on the mound?  Even Buehrle’s manager didn’t back him up, saying the Rangers wouldn’t have needed any help that day based on the way Buehrle was throwing.  Nevertheless, I still have a secret hope that it turns out he’s right.  Can you picture what a huge scandal this would be?  An entire team of hitters indoctrinated on some sort of code delivered with flashing lights, right before the pitcher goes into his wind-up?  And best of all, we wouldn’t have to talk about steroids anymore.  Some dumb, juiced up jock getting suspended for 10 games would pale in comparison to the ultimate unsportsmanlike image of the Texas Rangers; the evil, conniving, and devious cheaters who use lights and binoculars to win instead of ill-begotten strength like the rest of the league.


2 thoughts on “The Buehrle Conspiracy

  1. I love that kind of humor. I can’t imagine a big league hitter learning or even remembering what the “flashing light over the I” means when he is standing in a batter’s box facing Randy Johnson. I sure wouldn’t be looking at any lights! Thanks for the insight!


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